What am I going to cook for dinner? Did I leave the stove on? Why did Harold say that thing about my wife? Will they ever cum?
We all know that during sexual play time, there are those days (far many than few) where we cannot turn our minds to completing the fun at hand, to enjoy our sexual experiences fully. Is it possible to turn your thinking off? Can you quiet your mind? Is it even a realistic thought?
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
The Busy Mind
However, mindfulness practitioners like Kabat-Zinn would stop me to make sure I add that the key to dealing with your thoughts is to adopt a thinking that is kinder, one that does not judge. What this means is that you should not feel bad for having thoughts because all you will end up doing is fighting to push things out of your mind that will be there whether you want them to be or not. So what are we to do instead? Thank the thought for occurring, put it on a leaf, and let the leaf float down the stream.
Ironically, I started to write this article at the end of February 2013 and then stopped. Clearly I wasn’t in a place to take my own advice. I withdrew into my mind and away from Eden. I have since broken up with my partner a few weeks ago and currently am in a weird space. It’s been hard to sleep and difficult to put those thoughts on leaves. Or rather, the thoughts are on leaves, but piled up at the top, blocking the flow of water downstream.
So what has that taught me? The mind is often a busy place, but I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Thinking “I should be feeling this way” or “I should be doing this” only makes things worse, because I’m not feeling that way and not doing that thing and it is sometimes okay.
The Quiet Mind
Since being on Eden, I have met many people who have to plan their intimate time due to busy schedules and children. There is nothing wrong with that. However, being busy enough to plan means that your mind might be busy as well and you might have to work to get your mind in the right place in the time leading up to your fun for the night.
Some people already know this, but for those of you who don’t, this might include:
1. Sending sexy text messages throughout the day to your partner.
2. Getting a piece of lingerie prepared for the evening.
3. Having toys in the proper place and in ease of reach that suit your mood. Sometimes because you haven’t had time to reconnect in a while, it is okay to indicate by what you choose to set out what you are in the mood for. Your partner will appreciate it and it will ease your mind. It will also send appropriate messages for communication so neither one of you end up being disappointed or feel pressured.
4. If it includes dinner plans, know what those are! Are you going out? Are you staying in? Do you have a babysitter? Even if you don’t have a babysitter, do you have fun time worked out in a way that doesn’t disturb the children? (I’m pretty sure we can all figure that out)
5. One of the things a friend told me is that she thinks about how she looks. She is often worried about if she looks good or bad and how that comes across to her partner. My usual reply is that if they are with you, they have other things they are focused on besides your looks. I am not so naïve as to think that we don’t evaluate our partners or vice versa, but if they are with you intimately, it means that is something that is at the bottom of the list as compared to other things. Again, it is silly to say “don’t worry,” but really—if you have a worry, notice that worry, realize they are with you, and let it float away.
6. Another thing that has been mentioned to me is being able to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I have been specifically told that the person tries to tell themselves to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I will tell you right now that that doesn’t work because it brings your attention to the tension. What is a better alternative is to focus on the sensation. Pick one such as, how does their tongue feel? Is it warm? Is it moist? How is it stimulating me? And if isn’t, can I move a little to get them in the right place? Or can I just say something like “lick a little further up?” If they start doing something else, shift your focus to that new sensation and so on. It’s kind of like tracking that keeps your mind occupied and really honed in on what is most pleasurable at the moment because it isn’t going to feel amazing the entire time. We are human and can’t always perform at the peak. That is okay.
7. Something that is personal for me is making sure that my partner is receiving the maximum pleasure possible. I really love giving a good blow job, but sometimes you have to realize that it can’t go the same way every time. This requires a mindfulness that only the quiet mind is capable of. Although I am enjoying his cock in my mouth, is he enjoying it? Just because he likes deep throat with a lot of pressure does not mean that he is going to be super stimulated by it today. You have to be “awake” enough in your mind to realize this. You can if you notice that his cock is not responsive to you in the same way that it usually would be. This might mean that he might need you to focus on a different area. You can explore this, or ask him what he is in the mood for. Is it long tongue strokes up and down the shaft with firm pressure applied at the base with your hand? Is it light flicks of tongue around the tip with gentle massaging of his taint? Of course the same goes for cunnilingus, but I am just speaking from my perspective. It is easy to get frustrated when you think your partner isn’t that stimulated by you, when it might just be that you need to shift your focus. I have had a number of fun times end with me being frustrated because I didn’t just change things up a bit or that he didn’t speak up and say “as much as I’m enjoying this, let’s try something new tonight.”
If thoughts do intrude, don’t beat yourself up for them. Notice them, let them go, and get back to the sensations at hand or however you hope to best please your partner or have them pleasure you.
As mentioned earlier, be kinder to yourself and your sexual mind. Fun times that are not overburdened will soon follow.