Tag: rope

By Posted on Posted in Guides

Today I want to look at masochism and help those who are not masochists potentially understand why someone might enjoy pain.
I wanted to write this article because of the initial difficulty my girlfriend and I had and the initial difficulty I have seen others have. For many people, it is hard to understand how another person would choose to cause pain to themselves, or say that pain is a pleasurable sensation. Yet this is exactly what a masochist will tell you. So I wanted to write this article to help understand why another person would like pain. I think when you do it is easier to accept your partner and also provide that stimulus they want. I do want to say though that masochism is a highly individual experience. Each person will give you different reasons. The list I have created is largely personal, but from what I have read and talked to others about, it seems to be quite common in terms of why people say they enjoy it.
Trust
The first reason pain is enjoyable is because allowing another person to inflict pain upon yourself requires huge amounts of trust. If you hand a paddle to someone and tell them to spank you, that requires trust. If you let someone flog you, that requires trust. If you let someone stick needles in your, it requires trust. If you let someone bite you, scratch you, dig rope into you, do anything to your body, it requires trust. There are potentially serious consequences if they do it improperly. When someone paddles me, they can cause too much pain. They could cause internal bleeding if they hit the wrong spot. They could cause nerve damage. They could cause bleeding. They could seriously harm me. But I consent to that risk because I trust them and love them. The more risk there is, the more trust is required. And normally inflicting pain on a person involves more risk. So part of masochism to me is that it really allows me to bond with a partner, to develop love and affection. It allows a connection and a closeness that can exist outside of BDSM, it can exist outside of masochism, but to me masochism facilitates that relationship and makes it easier. So when someone says hit me, realize that is a sign of respect and trust.
Endorphins
The second reason I love pain is because of endorphins. Endorphins are your body’s feel good hormones. If you have ever heard about morphine, it is an opioid which mimics your endorphins. They decrease pain, increase happiness, and make you feel good. Runners get cranky when they stop running for a day because they are short of endorphins. Trauma also causes a release of endorphins. So a part of pain is actually pleasure. It is that release of endorphins and that surge of feeling good. It is my guess that masochists are slightly different in how they deal with pain and release above average levels of endorphins or respond in a greater magnitude. I have never found any data backing that up, but it seems reasonable. When I experience pain brought on by my partner, there is pain and discomfort, but that is quickly replaced by a warm buzzing sensation. People describe highs. They talk about “subspace” and how they just drift. That is caused by those endorphins. So realize your experience to pain is not the same as everyone else’s and that sometimes people feel more good than bad when it comes to pain.
Pride
There is a joy in overcoming an obstacle. There is contentment and utility in pushing yourself hard. The same exists for masochists getting through a session. When your dominant or top wants to push slightly harder than before, when they want a longer session, or to hit harder, or you want a longer session, or to be hit harder, there is a pride and a sense of accomplishment. You feel as though you achieved something. You let yourself be in an uncomfortable position for a long period of time to please your partner. Or to push yourself and build your willpower and determination. That pride and success adds to your mood when the session is done and provides a driving force when you are in pain. It adds mental stimulation to your sessions and provides you with happiness when it’s done. So part of your partner’s masochism might be out of pride and a sense of accomplishment of being able to push themselves and grow.
Not All Pain Is The Same
I just want to end off on something too, which I think helps understand a masochist better. Not all pain is the same. This was a hard concept for my girlfriend to understand too. But just because I am a masochist does not mean all pain feels good. In fact there are lots of types of pain I absolutely dislike. But there are good pains too.
The difference is this. A bad pain feels bad and continues to feel bad. A good pain tends to start out feeling bad, but then ends up feeling really good. My point here is that masochists still do feel pain, they still dislike things, and they still avoid certain things. It is just that some things you register as pain are different to them and are also associated with good feelings. This is also why it is important to negotiate and understand what your masochistic partner wants (as well as them understanding your wants).
So hopefully you now understand why our partner might like pain and enjoy the sensation. My hope is also that this potential understanding can bring you closer together and allow you to grow as you understand each other better. As always if you have any questions ask in the comments. If you want to know about any specific experiences or more detail I will be happy to answer.

By Posted on Posted in Guides

Today we are going to discuss orgasm denial. What is it? How do you do it? Why do people like it?

Orgasm denial, or erotic sexual denial as it is sometimes called, is a form of sexual play commonly associated with BDSM, but not always. The point of orgasm denial is to have a highly aroused state, yet not have an orgasm for an extended period of time. The basic concept is you can sexually stimulate your partner as much as you want, but they are not allowed to fully reach climax and have an orgasm. There are multiple ways of playing with orgasm denial, all being similar, but slightly different and having a slightly different end goal.

The first thing you need to decide is whether or not an orgasm will actually be allowed during the play period. Some people will deny their partner an orgasm completely, and when the session ends they will not have had an orgasm. Others will deny their partner an orgasm for an extended period of time (for example one hour), but at the end of the session will let their partner have an orgasm. Certain people get “blue balls” including both female and males if they do not have an orgasm after sexual stimulation. These people likely will want to have an orgasm, but others might receive more satisfaction by being completely denied one.

There are various ways you can deny your partner an orgasm. The easiest way to perform orgasm denial on your partner is to physically restrain them. You can put them in any type of bondage, but the best is where they are unable to reach their genitals or any other area they can orgasm from (so if they can orgasm by stimulating their nipples, then do not let them have access to their nipples). You could use leather restraints, you could use neoprene restraints, you could use rope, or you could use metal restraints. You could use any item you normally use for bondage and tie your partner up. You are now in control of your partner and controlling their orgasm is much easier because they cannot cause an orgasm themselves. The one issue with this method is accessing their genitals might be difficult. If you use rope, it can impede your ability to access their genitals. This just requires some ingenuity and thinking of positions that allow you access but doesn’t allow them access. A great example would be a straightjacket. Their genitals are freely accessible, but they have no access to their genitals because their hands are restrained. Another example would be a hogtie where they are placed onto a Hitachi Magic Wand. The wand stimulates them, but their hands are behind their back. This method of restraining your partner is sometimes called the “tie and tease” method.

The second method is called the “tease and denial” method. In this method, there are no restraints. So it is very similar to the first method, but you just remove all the restraints. In this instance you need to have a partner who will refrain from giving themselves an orgasm. This can be fun for some people because they have to consciously choose to listen to their partner. This can definitely reinforce a D/S type of relationship, but more on that later. You stimulate your partner and stimulate your partner and you watch them, and when they get close to an orgasm you can either remove the stimulation completely (example: remove the vibrator) or you can slow down the stimulation (turn down the vibrator) to prevent the orgasm from happening. This requires knowing a partner decently well and watching quite closely.

The third method is the “total denial” method. In this instance you prevent any genital stimulation. So you could place your partner in a chastity belt and then stimulate their nipples, their thighs, or their buttocks, but you do not allow any direct genital stimulation. This is just a variation which can create a different feeling than the above situations. You technically do not need a chastity belt and could just forbid your partner from touching their genitals at all.

So why do people like orgasm denial? There are two main reasons. The first is that some people find it leads to stronger, longer, and more pleasurable orgasms. They find that after extended arousal, it is more intense and more pleasurable when they are finally allowed to have their orgasm. This is similar to people who do not masturbate for long periods of time and then do, often describing it as a more enjoyable, pleasant, and intense orgasm. The second reason is that people enjoy the dominance and submission of it. There is a high amount of control in this scenario. One person gains sexual control of the other and chooses when they can have sexual release. This D/S dynamic itself can be highly erotic and satisfying to many individuals.

Orgasm denial can be performed using anything really. You could have normal sex and stop when your partner comes close to orgasm. You could use toys such as vibrators and dildos. You could have oral sex. You could use your fingers and manual stimulation. Anything can be used for orgasm denial as long as it creates sexual stimulation that can be controlled enough to prevent an orgasm from occurring.

As always if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.

By Posted on Posted in Guides

What am I going to cook for dinner? Did I leave the stove on? Why did Harold say that thing about my wife? Will they ever cum?

We all know that during sexual play time, there are those days (far many than few) where we cannot turn our minds to completing the fun at hand, to enjoy our sexual experiences fully. Is it possible to turn your thinking off? Can you quiet your mind? Is it even a realistic thought?

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

— Buddha

The Busy Mind

I would be a fool to suggest that we can actually turn our thinking off completely, considering that the mind is a busy, busy place. However, I will say that it can be too busy, which we know is called rumination and worrying.

However, mindfulness practitioners like Kabat-Zinn would stop me to make sure I add that the key to dealing with your thoughts is to adopt a thinking that is kinder, one that does not judge. What this means is that you should not feel bad for having thoughts because all you will end up doing is fighting to push things out of your mind that will be there whether you want them to be or not. So what are we to do instead? Thank the thought for occurring, put it on a leaf, and let the leaf float down the stream.

Ironically, I started to write this article at the end of February 2013 and then stopped. Clearly I wasn’t in a place to take my own advice. I withdrew into my mind and away from Eden. I have since broken up with my partner a few weeks ago and currently am in a weird space. It’s been hard to sleep and difficult to put those thoughts on leaves. Or rather, the thoughts are on leaves, but piled up at the top, blocking the flow of water downstream.

So what has that taught me? The mind is often a busy place, but I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Thinking “I should be feeling this way” or “I should be doing this” only makes things worse, because I’m not feeling that way and not doing that thing and it is sometimes okay.

The Quiet Mind

As mentioned, it is not necessarily the case that the quiet mind does not think. As it concerns sexual activity with one’s partner, the quiet mind is one that is prepared to properly shift its focus to the task at hand.

Since being on Eden, I have met many people who have to plan their intimate time due to busy schedules and children. There is nothing wrong with that. However, being busy enough to plan means that your mind might be busy as well and you might have to work to get your mind in the right place in the time leading up to your fun for the night.

Some people already know this, but for those of you who don’t, this might include:
1. Sending sexy text messages throughout the day to your partner.

2. Getting a piece of lingerie prepared for the evening.

3. Having toys in the proper place and in ease of reach that suit your mood. Sometimes because you haven’t had time to reconnect in a while, it is okay to indicate by what you choose to set out what you are in the mood for. Your partner will appreciate it and it will ease your mind. It will also send appropriate messages for communication so neither one of you end up being disappointed or feel pressured.

4. If it includes dinner plans, know what those are! Are you going out? Are you staying in? Do you have a babysitter? Even if you don’t have a babysitter, do you have fun time worked out in a way that doesn’t disturb the children? (I’m pretty sure we can all figure that out)

5. One of the things a friend told me is that she thinks about how she looks. She is often worried about if she looks good or bad and how that comes across to her partner. My usual reply is that if they are with you, they have other things they are focused on besides your looks. I am not so naïve as to think that we don’t evaluate our partners or vice versa, but if they are with you intimately, it means that is something that is at the bottom of the list as compared to other things. Again, it is silly to say “don’t worry,” but really—if you have a worry, notice that worry, realize they are with you, and let it float away.

6. Another thing that has been mentioned to me is being able to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I have been specifically told that the person tries to tell themselves to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I will tell you right now that that doesn’t work because it brings your attention to the tension. What is a better alternative is to focus on the sensation. Pick one such as, how does their tongue feel? Is it warm? Is it moist? How is it stimulating me? And if isn’t, can I move a little to get them in the right place? Or can I just say something like “lick a little further up?” If they start doing something else, shift your focus to that new sensation and so on. It’s kind of like tracking that keeps your mind occupied and really honed in on what is most pleasurable at the moment because it isn’t going to feel amazing the entire time. We are human and can’t always perform at the peak. That is okay.

7. Something that is personal for me is making sure that my partner is receiving the maximum pleasure possible. I really love giving a good blow job, but sometimes you have to realize that it can’t go the same way every time. This requires a mindfulness that only the quiet mind is capable of. Although I am enjoying his cock in my mouth, is he enjoying it? Just because he likes deep throat with a lot of pressure does not mean that he is going to be super stimulated by it today. You have to be “awake” enough in your mind to realize this. You can if you notice that his cock is not responsive to you in the same way that it usually would be. This might mean that he might need you to focus on a different area. You can explore this, or ask him what he is in the mood for. Is it long tongue strokes up and down the shaft with firm pressure applied at the base with your hand? Is it light flicks of tongue around the tip with gentle massaging of his taint? Of course the same goes for cunnilingus, but I am just speaking from my perspective. It is easy to get frustrated when you think your partner isn’t that stimulated by you, when it might just be that you need to shift your focus. I have had a number of fun times end with me being frustrated because I didn’t just change things up a bit or that he didn’t speak up and say “as much as I’m enjoying this, let’s try something new tonight.”

The Conclusion

This certainly isn’t the whole list, but my point is in getting the mind and keeping the mind prepared as well as communicating with your partner without judgment.

If thoughts do intrude, don’t beat yourself up for them. Notice them, let them go, and get back to the sensations at hand or however you hope to best please your partner or have them pleasure you.

As mentioned earlier, be kinder to yourself and your sexual mind. Fun times that are not overburdened will soon follow.

By Posted on Posted in Guides

So you want to buy a flogger….It can be pretty intimidating with all the different types out there! Hopefully this guide will clear up any concerns.

Elk/Moose hide floggers

Elk and moose skin floggers are great for beginners and for people who don’t like too much pain. The nice thing about these beauties is they ‘thump’. They make a great noise with even the smallest amount of force. They’re very versatile and can go between causing very little pain to really stinging if you use the tails. This is pretty standard for any flogger, other than fur floggers. It takes a very short time to break in an elk skin flogger and they’re great for anyone, really. Over all I suggest these for people who want impact play but aren’t comfortable with pain or ANY beginner.

Standard cow/bull hide flogger

These are similar to the elk skin floggers but the hide isn’t as soft and it takes a much longer time to break in. And even when fully broken in they will never be as soft as the elk skin floggers. It’s just the nature of the cow and bull skin. I don’t suggest these for beginners, simply because the stiffness of the leather make them a little harder to handle, in my opinion. They also tend to hurt quite a bit more and require more skill to get the results you’ll be looking for. You also have a better chance of actually causing quite a bit of pain. That being said they ARE fantastic floggers for people who want a little more ‘pop’ in their impact play. They tend to bruise as well as welt so that’s a plus for a lot of people. Just be careful when shopping around and look for REAL leather and not fake pleather!

Horse hair floggers

Okay. These hurt like a BITCH. But it’s not a pressure kind of hurt. It is a very intense, burning sting. If you like really intense, unusual type of pain I would suggest these. These are a special tool you should make sure you test before using. I would not recommend these for any one other than someone fairly experienced in impact play and well versed in how to use floggers correctly. I only say this because I have seen these break skin on more that one occasion when used by the right person. For this reason please make sure that this type of flogger is ALWAYS sanitized between uses. All your toys should be sanitized between uses but I’m emphasizing it on these bad boys. They’re awesome for those of you who like pain but please test them out and get comfortable with them before using them in a scene.

Rubber or silicone flogger

These are the ones you see most commonly in standard sex stores. All I’m going to say about these is they are NOT for beginners. While they won’t cut into skin like the horse hair…They do leave some pretty intense welts. This is another one I suggest testing out before you buy it. It’s not as EASY to hurt some one with them but in order to get ANY kind of pay off you have to hit some one pretty hard with them. There is no in between with these. They either hurt like a bitch or you don’t feel anything at all. If you are going to invest in one, go through a good store and not you local run of the mill sex shop. Unless your local sex shop has an impressive kink section.

Metal floggers

This is going to be very brief. I don’t really think ANYONE should be using these. Mostly because they’re metal. I know there are a lot of subs out there who want to up their pain levels but I want to advise against these and make a note regarding ALL impact play: Your mind can handle a lot more pain than your physical body. Especially in the moment. You may be doing serious damage to your body and not even realize it because you aren’t registering pain over the adrenaline. So PLEASE take your health and safety into consideration.

That being said, metal floggers can be great sensation tools. Running them over a sub’s back during a scene can cause some pretty intense sensations. They also look pretty intimidating and might be good to have around simply to bring out and show off. But PLEASE do not use them.

Cat ‘O nine tails

This is a broad subject. A Cat doesn’t have to have nine tails. It’s just a general term for a flogger that has fewer, longer, sturdier tails. Cats are FANTASTIC. But again..Work your way up to them. It’s another flogger that causes a stinging sensation but has a little more umph behind it. These are pretty notorious for causing bruises and welts and are really great as long as you know how to use them. They are a lot less forgiving in terms of technique and you really have to know how to handle them in order to get good results. But they get a ten out of ten for appearance, impression and use. As long as you can master them.

Fur floggers

These are awesome and a lot of fun. Most of them are pretty heavy and give a lot of that ‘thud’ impact I talked about earlier. They’re great for the spoiled sub who doesn’t like pain. They feel more like a massage than a beating, really. They also double up and work well during sensation play. Honestly…There is NO pain in these. They are simply for weight. They don’t hurt and they don’t make much of a noise either. But…they are still A LOT of fun.

General information

So those are your basic types of floggers! Keep in mind the matter of sanitation with all of these things! Certain leathers require oils but most of these can be cleaned with a mix of water or alcohol. When talking about any kind of leather though, please refer to proper leather care instructions. Most toy cleaners are a pretty safe bet as well. Always clean your toys and store them properly! This will ensure the safety of your partners as well as the longevity of your toys!

I also want to mention that the type of handle that comes on your toy is important! This is all personal preference of course and there are floggers that double as penetration toys as well as impact toys! Research and figure out whats best for you!

A note on genital impact play. Please be careful. Your naughty bits are sensitive and you can sustain permanent nerve damage if you get hit the wrong way. Don’t go over board with it and use softer materials and never go in just swinging at someone’s dick or clit. Try to aim for fattier areas that contain less nerve endings. If you aren’t skilled with aiming and controlling a flogger then don’t do it AT ALL.

Also keep in mind that at the end of the day you are hitting someone and probably causing some degree of pain. Health and mental state need to be monitored carefully and a first aid kit needs to be kept close by.