So, with Mother’s Day behind us (that would be the second Sunday of May) but the month in which it falls still with us, perhaps we need to roll out a MILF Day? Or make plans for one beginning next year? I mean, we have special days for just about everything now, including “Talk Like a Pirate Day,” so why isn’t there a MILF Day? Or am I just slacking on my online searching game this month?

Anyway, maybe the last Sunday of the month, just to give folks a couple weeks for the next paycheck to roll around so they can spend the same amount of money they did on brunch, flowers and chocolates to instead buy and wrap an assortment of sex toys, lingerie and…chocolate sauce?

On the other hand, maybe we don’t need MILF Day.
You know, if for no other reason that it’s kind of a tacky term. The act itself is fine; younger men with older women isn’t anything new. You can find plenty of examples of that historically. Not as many as younger women with older men, but that’s probably mainly because men have called so many of the shots for so long. Mature women and maturing men may have never been any more or less popular than it is now, even though it may not have been as visible or as open in past generations.
But anyway, back to my point. Coining a term “mother I’d like to fuck” to differentiate porn featuring middle aged women from porn featuring the young’uns already suggests all kind of excessive objectification beyond the norm. We have plenty of sites touting TEENS or BARELY LEGAL…is it so hard just to say you have porn with middle-aged women, mature women, sexy soccer moms or whatever else?
Also, MILF sounds like a milk company and JIF got together to make a special peanut-butter-flavored dairy product.
So, I’ll pass on embracing the whole MILF term.
Still, though, in this month of moms, can I ignore the siren call to discuss issues around young men having sex with women old enough to be their mothers? I could, but I won’t, because sometimes taking the low-hanging fruit is actually the right thing to do. So, let’s move on to the more popular term today, which isn’t exactly a substitute or synonym for MILF but is certainly of a similar theme, and that would be the “cougar.”
Until such time as women tire of being called cougars and decide to complain that they’re being compared to animals (even though many of them embrace the term now), we’ll go with that. Lots of groups seem to get tired of its titles eventually and rebel against them and demand new ones, but maybe this one will stick.
Because for goodness sake, this isn’t a fad. We need to have some term, I guess, because the phenomenon will stay with us. Sure, it might be overly hyped and “all the rage” right now to be a cougar, claim to be a cougar or aspire to be a cougar, but that’s not unlike any other trend. When it becomes big, everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon or knock the wheels off of it. Eventually, something new comes around to replace it in the hype machine. When the hype is no longer worth it, cougars won’t be any more notable than breast men, leg men, swingers or furries. What? Furries still aren’t mainstream? Oh, well. Scratch that one from my list, then.
There is a reason we have cougars and why we have had cougars for millennia, even before the time the label was slapped on human women and not simply on large predatory felines. It’s because young men often lust after what they are familiar with. If you’re a young man, chances are good that you’ve had some aunts (blood related or marriage related) to whom you’ve been attracted. Or other mom-aged relatives, close family friends, or neighbors. As such, there’s a good chance that you will develop a hankering for such women, either at some defined point in life or as a lifestyle. Just like many people play with homosexual urges at some point or simply become homosexual altogether.
Also, there’s something to be said for experience. Sure, you can learn how to make love with someone your own age, except the chances are that person will be just as inexperienced as you or close to it. You’re both fumbling around unknown territory with, at best, book learning and unreliable instincts to guide you. It’s a wonder any of us learn to have good sex under such conditions. If you hook up with someone older, you will stand a better chance of benefitting from loads of experience and having much better orgasms, I suspect.
This is probably largely the reason for older men/young women pairings too (familiarity/attraction to being around older men through so much of life and/or greater experience). Also, in ages (or even a few decades) past, it was hard for women to even think about success or wealth on their own, so you can add in the “sugar daddy” factor there to draw young women to older men traditionally.
Finally, there are cougars because Mother Nature is a cruel practical joker. Or God has a really evil sense of humor. Or both. If there are no spirits of the world or the universe, then clearly evolution is itself a sentient being with a mean streak toward humanity.
Because whereas it’s pretty common for young men to be able to go at it sexually for hours and get their erections back quickly and hardly ever have that performance anxiety thing that’s strong enough to kill an erection…it’s not so common for older men. We end up needing more time to recover in a lot of cases and get a second erection, we may lose the one we have at the drop of a hat, etc.
Meanwhile, young women often need a lot of TLC down below before they can orgasm, which the young men often aren’t interested in spending that much time on. And then women hit middle age and often experience a real spike in their libido. They start trying things sexually they never considered before, they want sex more often, they rev up more quickly, they come more quickly, they want it harder and faster, etc.
These aren’t blanket rules, of course, but they match my general observations in life, so clearly they are all pretty common scenarios. And therein lies the cruel rub, like giving someone a handjob with sandpaper: If you are young and paired with a young person, there is a great likelihood there is a mismatch in your libidos and sexual needs and you need to adjust to the other person’s needs (or be an asshole and ignore them). If you are older and paired with an older person, you have the same problem, except the gender roles kind of reverse.
So, naturally, at certain points in life, you may find the most satisfaction by pairing up with a person at the opposite end of the gender spectrum AND consenting age spectrum.
Thus, I understand the whole cougar thing. I think there’s nothing wrong with it, to some extent it’s natural and logical, and it works for lots of people. So, while we’re paying attention to it a lot more now, it’s kind of like other issues we’ve swept under the rug and ignored in the past—It’s not that it didn’t exist; we just didn’t want to talk about it before now.
So, it’s good to talk about it now. Hopefully we can get to the point soon where it’s just no big deal.
But…and did you sense I had a “but” in here all along?…I do have certain things about the popularity of cougar life (and the older male equivalent, which doesn’t seem to get a term except “cradle robber” as far as I can tell, unless you’re well-off enough to be a sugar daddy) that bug me a little.
For one thing, I don’t want a younger woman. Frankly, the older I get, the more that young adult women look like teenagers to me. I see a 20-something in a movie (porn or otherwise), and I can find her sexy and become aroused, but I wouldn’t want to bed her in real life. Personally, I’d feel dirty doing that (no offense to the dudes who don’t). As I’ve aged, the images I have in my mind of sexy women age a bit, too. It’s not like young ladies are knocking down my door, but there have been many times young women have flirted with me, and it simply confounds me. It’s flattering, but also makes me a little embarrassed.

So, in my life, I have a quandary. Given that the wife and I opened up our marriage a couple years back (even though we’ve done precious little to actually act on that openness sexually), I don’t really know what to do. If I were flat-out single, I wouldn’t have a problem finding a woman my age because it’s still all-too-true that middle-aged women have the hardest time finding a partner (particularly of their own age, since older men can attract younger women so often). But I’m not single. I’m looking at times for some extra sex with someone who’s not my wife. But close to my own age nonetheless.
However, among swingers, I feel like most of the women are looking for something younger or they’re looking for another woman (of comparable age or, often, a younger one to be the “unicorn” in the fabled MWW three-way scenario that is all too hard to come by most of the time).
Likewise, my wife would love to find someone near her age to play with. Could she go cougar? No doubt. She’s aging very gracefully, she’s personable, she knows her way around the male body and she can be very sultry. Rawwwwrrrr!
But our son is 21 now. She doesn’t want someone in their 20s because it’s just going to make her think of the fact she could be the mother of the young man she’s banging. It doesn’t work for her personally. And to most men her own age or close to it, she’s nearly invisible, because they’re going after the younger asses a lot of the time.
So, I have nothing against cougar culture. Or cougar country. Or cougar couture or whatever. It’s as valid as any other sexual proclivity that involves consenting adults. If you like it, I love it (on your behalf).
But in the end, it’s just people having sex with other people, and it has it’s messy points and its alluring ones.
Sometimes both at once.

Today we are going to discuss orgasm denial. What is it? How do you do it? Why do people like it?

Orgasm denial, or erotic sexual denial as it is sometimes called, is a form of sexual play commonly associated with BDSM, but not always. The point of orgasm denial is to have a highly aroused state, yet not have an orgasm for an extended period of time. The basic concept is you can sexually stimulate your partner as much as you want, but they are not allowed to fully reach climax and have an orgasm. There are multiple ways of playing with orgasm denial, all being similar, but slightly different and having a slightly different end goal.

The first thing you need to decide is whether or not an orgasm will actually be allowed during the play period. Some people will deny their partner an orgasm completely, and when the session ends they will not have had an orgasm. Others will deny their partner an orgasm for an extended period of time (for example one hour), but at the end of the session will let their partner have an orgasm. Certain people get “blue balls” including both female and males if they do not have an orgasm after sexual stimulation. These people likely will want to have an orgasm, but others might receive more satisfaction by being completely denied one.

There are various ways you can deny your partner an orgasm. The easiest way to perform orgasm denial on your partner is to physically restrain them. You can put them in any type of bondage, but the best is where they are unable to reach their genitals or any other area they can orgasm from (so if they can orgasm by stimulating their nipples, then do not let them have access to their nipples). You could use leather restraints, you could use neoprene restraints, you could use rope, or you could use metal restraints. You could use any item you normally use for bondage and tie your partner up. You are now in control of your partner and controlling their orgasm is much easier because they cannot cause an orgasm themselves. The one issue with this method is accessing their genitals might be difficult. If you use rope, it can impede your ability to access their genitals. This just requires some ingenuity and thinking of positions that allow you access but doesn’t allow them access. A great example would be a straightjacket. Their genitals are freely accessible, but they have no access to their genitals because their hands are restrained. Another example would be a hogtie where they are placed onto a Hitachi Magic Wand. The wand stimulates them, but their hands are behind their back. This method of restraining your partner is sometimes called the “tie and tease” method.

The second method is called the “tease and denial” method. In this method, there are no restraints. So it is very similar to the first method, but you just remove all the restraints. In this instance you need to have a partner who will refrain from giving themselves an orgasm. This can be fun for some people because they have to consciously choose to listen to their partner. This can definitely reinforce a D/S type of relationship, but more on that later. You stimulate your partner and stimulate your partner and you watch them, and when they get close to an orgasm you can either remove the stimulation completely (example: remove the vibrator) or you can slow down the stimulation (turn down the vibrator) to prevent the orgasm from happening. This requires knowing a partner decently well and watching quite closely.

The third method is the “total denial” method. In this instance you prevent any genital stimulation. So you could place your partner in a chastity belt and then stimulate their nipples, their thighs, or their buttocks, but you do not allow any direct genital stimulation. This is just a variation which can create a different feeling than the above situations. You technically do not need a chastity belt and could just forbid your partner from touching their genitals at all.

So why do people like orgasm denial? There are two main reasons. The first is that some people find it leads to stronger, longer, and more pleasurable orgasms. They find that after extended arousal, it is more intense and more pleasurable when they are finally allowed to have their orgasm. This is similar to people who do not masturbate for long periods of time and then do, often describing it as a more enjoyable, pleasant, and intense orgasm. The second reason is that people enjoy the dominance and submission of it. There is a high amount of control in this scenario. One person gains sexual control of the other and chooses when they can have sexual release. This D/S dynamic itself can be highly erotic and satisfying to many individuals.

Orgasm denial can be performed using anything really. You could have normal sex and stop when your partner comes close to orgasm. You could use toys such as vibrators and dildos. You could have oral sex. You could use your fingers and manual stimulation. Anything can be used for orgasm denial as long as it creates sexual stimulation that can be controlled enough to prevent an orgasm from occurring.

As always if you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments.

In her article “Are You Living In A Sexless Marriage?” Cathy Meyer, Support, defines a sexless marriage as “one in which one spouse feels there isn’t enough sex or there is no sex at all.” She further states that the expectations about frequency may be an underlying issue that causes some people to think their marriage is sexless. She follows this definition with lots of good reasons why some people may not have the same sex drive as their partners.

AARP statistics state that 65 percent of mature couples still have sex, as reported by Jeanne Lee Davis’ article on WebMD. Another interesting quote from “Get it on or Get Divorced?” by Vicki Larson,Huffington Post, is that “61 percent of men aged 45 to 55 say a good sex life is a critical part of a healthy relationship, [while] just 47 percent of women in the same age group agree.”

It’s interesting in all these articles that they seem to all be how to instructions on how to get more sex. It’s a fact that sex plays an important role in marriage. However, each marriage is unique, and a one-size-fits-all solution may not be right for everyone. Sex is an intimate experience, more so today in some ways since the AIDs scare and the loss of the free-love adventure of the 60s. Sex demands within marriage have also changed tremendously with the advent of birth control. It is not so far back in our cultural history that arranged marriages and marriages of convenience occurred. It is also not really that long ago that some religious cultures did not even allow men and women to view each other’s bodies, even when they were married. Ever seen a picture of the old Victorian pajamas that had holes in just the right places so that married couples might engage in intercourse without having to take off their clothes?

Somehow in our ever-changing world, we have taken a very intimate detail of marriage and created additional expectations, somewhat similar to the way the media has set up expectations about the way men and women should look. In older small cultural groups, women used to speak with other women about pleasing their husbands and doing what was necessary to stabilize the marriage, to protect the integrity of the entity which was established to provide for children. The same thing happened between men. What is missing in some of the current literature is the validation for couples who do not fit the expected norm, do not consider their sex life to be on par with an exercise schedule, and who have a deep and enduring love and respect for each other, no matter what.

Research of all kinds has shown that men and women show up for sex from different perspectives and with different expectations and needs, especially at different times in their lives. The common thread in the research that is helpful is that sex without intimacy and trusting relationship may not be sustainable. While sex can have health benefits pertaining to reducing stress, keeping fit, and increasing overall well-being, the effect of sex without intimacy and a trusting relationship is more harmful.

Yes, sex is a physical function that most people are driven to participate in as part of being human. Hormones and all that accompanies our human sex drive are natural, and sex is a wonderful experience. It is also a physical release that some folks get addicted to for real reasons, such as the release of natural oxytocin that can feel like a high, the experience of exclusive and deep intimacy, and the simple fact that it is one thing that can take one’s mind off of everything else for awhile. Such a powerful activity is wonderful and great to share. In this cultural day and age, it is frequently one of the powerful drives which brings people to contemplate marriage. Yet, it is not what marriage is about, in and of itself. A frequent and consistent sex schedule should not be the goal of a marriage. There are lots of cases of domestic violence that have this component.

If sex within a relationship is not what one hopes or was expecting, it is and should be a conversation topic. It may be a result of one partner not feeling safe, health issues, personal hygiene practices, willingness or lack of willingness to try different things during sex, beliefs about sex and marriage, or any wide assortment of discussable topics. Discussion, another form of intercourse, is what is needed to begin to determine whether or not there is a possibility for change — change that may feel necessary to one person. Being able to communicate and listen to each other are the keys to a strong and intimate relationship, not how frequently a couple has sex.

by Laurie Engelhardt (@LouEngelhardt) on Feb 27, 2014 5:11pm

I think we all can agree that having a long term relationship is a great thing. As the relationship continues on, you gain a close friendship and a great sex partner, possibly for life. Spending a long time with someone can create challenges in the bedroom. Many couples feel that as they spend more time together, their sex lives get a little dull. So recently my partner and I have decided to go sexless for the next 3 months. Join me on my journey of revamping and restarting my sex life.

Part I: How it Started

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and everything has been amazing. He’s been the perfect boyfriend and the best friend I could ask for. Now as far as sex goes, that has been diminishing over the past several months.
When you first get into a relationship and get to the point of having sex, sex is exciting. You get to discover the other person. You get to know them and their body on a more personal level, and I think everyone can agree it takes the relationship to a whole new ball park. But after so many years of sex with the same partner, things can slow down a bit. This is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. Almost everyone I know who has had long term relationships or are even married experience this at some point.
The first and best way to overcome this is experimenting. Now I don’t mean invite other people to your bed or let each other sleep with someone else. I mean try something new. Try having sex in different places, on different surfaces and so on and work your way up to something a little more…experimental. My boyfriend and I have used toys in the bedroom as well as other sexual devices and for a good while that kept us going. A lot of the time we’d get home and couldn’t wait to get in bed together to try out our new toys or just play with the good old ones. But recently we’re feeling stuck in a rut. We still love each other and we still have sex regularly, but the excitement of the toys and new places has decreased. So we decided to try something new.

Part II: The Brilliant Idea

My boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch one night after a romp around the living room. We were just talking about how much we love each other and we started to reminisce on how our relationship was when we first got together. We remember the excitement, the rush, the nerves, and how great it was to finally get each other’s clothes off. (There was A LOT of sexual tension in the beginning!) That’s when the idea came to us…why not try to hold off from sex for a while and rekindle that tension?
We looked at each other with the biggest smiles on our faces and agreed that this was a fantastic idea. Now the question was for how long and what would the conditions be? We ended up deciding on three months, at least to start with. If we could hold out longer we would, but that would be decided on a later date. The other conditions included only masturbating once a day, two or three times a week without the use of sex toys. This way we could keep the sexual hunger up but sated for the time being. We are not allowed to provoke or try to overly arouse one another in any way or masturbation rights are revoked for the week. And of course the biggest thing of all, no sex…period, in any way, shape or form.
We started exactly three weeks ago and so far it’s working out great. It’s hard to sleep in the same bed without being able to rub up on each other or make love when we really feel passionate, but we know that by the time we do have sex everything we’ve been holding back will erupt in one ridiculous, amazing, and beyond fantastic sexual bomb. Everything we had in the beginning will resurface and that to us is so very worth it.

Part III: The reason I Tell You This…

The reason I wanted to share this experience with all of you is because sometimes sex can get repetitive when you’re with a partner and like I said, that’s okay. I look at it as a great way to try to revamp our sex life and discover new and maybe better ways to make love. I hope that my experience will give you ideas on how to experiment with your partner as well as insight on the method that my partner and I are currently trying.
It’s already very difficult to not have sex with each other. My boyfriend and I are highly sexual people and to just go cold turkey is no easy feat, but as I said we know it’ll be well worth it. So if you’re feeling like trying something new with your partner, maybe the best thing is not trying anything at all. You may be pleasantly surprised by where you end up. If you want a little insight on how the experience will be, just keep following my articles. Every few weeks I’ll post up on the progress and let you know how I’m feeling, and how he’s feeling so you can get an idea of how you might feel if you try going sexless.
Keep one thing in mind though, you may love how sex will be by the end of your chastity period. It might just be the greatest sex you’ve ever had.

What am I going to cook for dinner? Did I leave the stove on? Why did Harold say that thing about my wife? Will they ever cum?

We all know that during sexual play time, there are those days (far many than few) where we cannot turn our minds to completing the fun at hand, to enjoy our sexual experiences fully. Is it possible to turn your thinking off? Can you quiet your mind? Is it even a realistic thought?

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

— Buddha

The Busy Mind

I would be a fool to suggest that we can actually turn our thinking off completely, considering that the mind is a busy, busy place. However, I will say that it can be too busy, which we know is called rumination and worrying.

However, mindfulness practitioners like Kabat-Zinn would stop me to make sure I add that the key to dealing with your thoughts is to adopt a thinking that is kinder, one that does not judge. What this means is that you should not feel bad for having thoughts because all you will end up doing is fighting to push things out of your mind that will be there whether you want them to be or not. So what are we to do instead? Thank the thought for occurring, put it on a leaf, and let the leaf float down the stream.

Ironically, I started to write this article at the end of February 2013 and then stopped. Clearly I wasn’t in a place to take my own advice. I withdrew into my mind and away from Eden. I have since broken up with my partner a few weeks ago and currently am in a weird space. It’s been hard to sleep and difficult to put those thoughts on leaves. Or rather, the thoughts are on leaves, but piled up at the top, blocking the flow of water downstream.

So what has that taught me? The mind is often a busy place, but I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Thinking “I should be feeling this way” or “I should be doing this” only makes things worse, because I’m not feeling that way and not doing that thing and it is sometimes okay.

The Quiet Mind

As mentioned, it is not necessarily the case that the quiet mind does not think. As it concerns sexual activity with one’s partner, the quiet mind is one that is prepared to properly shift its focus to the task at hand.

Since being on Eden, I have met many people who have to plan their intimate time due to busy schedules and children. There is nothing wrong with that. However, being busy enough to plan means that your mind might be busy as well and you might have to work to get your mind in the right place in the time leading up to your fun for the night.

Some people already know this, but for those of you who don’t, this might include:
1. Sending sexy text messages throughout the day to your partner.

2. Getting a piece of lingerie prepared for the evening.

3. Having toys in the proper place and in ease of reach that suit your mood. Sometimes because you haven’t had time to reconnect in a while, it is okay to indicate by what you choose to set out what you are in the mood for. Your partner will appreciate it and it will ease your mind. It will also send appropriate messages for communication so neither one of you end up being disappointed or feel pressured.

4. If it includes dinner plans, know what those are! Are you going out? Are you staying in? Do you have a babysitter? Even if you don’t have a babysitter, do you have fun time worked out in a way that doesn’t disturb the children? (I’m pretty sure we can all figure that out)

5. One of the things a friend told me is that she thinks about how she looks. She is often worried about if she looks good or bad and how that comes across to her partner. My usual reply is that if they are with you, they have other things they are focused on besides your looks. I am not so naïve as to think that we don’t evaluate our partners or vice versa, but if they are with you intimately, it means that is something that is at the bottom of the list as compared to other things. Again, it is silly to say “don’t worry,” but really—if you have a worry, notice that worry, realize they are with you, and let it float away.

6. Another thing that has been mentioned to me is being able to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I have been specifically told that the person tries to tell themselves to relax enough to enjoy what is going on. I will tell you right now that that doesn’t work because it brings your attention to the tension. What is a better alternative is to focus on the sensation. Pick one such as, how does their tongue feel? Is it warm? Is it moist? How is it stimulating me? And if isn’t, can I move a little to get them in the right place? Or can I just say something like “lick a little further up?” If they start doing something else, shift your focus to that new sensation and so on. It’s kind of like tracking that keeps your mind occupied and really honed in on what is most pleasurable at the moment because it isn’t going to feel amazing the entire time. We are human and can’t always perform at the peak. That is okay.

7. Something that is personal for me is making sure that my partner is receiving the maximum pleasure possible. I really love giving a good blow job, but sometimes you have to realize that it can’t go the same way every time. This requires a mindfulness that only the quiet mind is capable of. Although I am enjoying his cock in my mouth, is he enjoying it? Just because he likes deep throat with a lot of pressure does not mean that he is going to be super stimulated by it today. You have to be “awake” enough in your mind to realize this. You can if you notice that his cock is not responsive to you in the same way that it usually would be. This might mean that he might need you to focus on a different area. You can explore this, or ask him what he is in the mood for. Is it long tongue strokes up and down the shaft with firm pressure applied at the base with your hand? Is it light flicks of tongue around the tip with gentle massaging of his taint? Of course the same goes for cunnilingus, but I am just speaking from my perspective. It is easy to get frustrated when you think your partner isn’t that stimulated by you, when it might just be that you need to shift your focus. I have had a number of fun times end with me being frustrated because I didn’t just change things up a bit or that he didn’t speak up and say “as much as I’m enjoying this, let’s try something new tonight.”

The Conclusion

This certainly isn’t the whole list, but my point is in getting the mind and keeping the mind prepared as well as communicating with your partner without judgment.

If thoughts do intrude, don’t beat yourself up for them. Notice them, let them go, and get back to the sensations at hand or however you hope to best please your partner or have them pleasure you.

As mentioned earlier, be kinder to yourself and your sexual mind. Fun times that are not overburdened will soon follow.

Being of the internet generation, I’ve had my share of online, and long distance, relationships. When my husband was in Germany for a few weeks, Skype sex was a wonderful treat that we got to have every couple of days, and it kept us going until we were able to see each other again. Here is the secret that can help you the next time your significant other (SO) is out of town.

Why Phone Sex Works

When you are in a long distance relationship (LDR), or if your significant other (SO) is going out of town for an extended work stay, it can sometimes feel like the relationships is stretched so thin that you’ll never reach your special someone again. There is something that bridges that gap, bringing you closer together in spirit until you can finally see each other again. This little secret is phone sex. Why does phone sex help a LDR? Simple. When you climax during sex, you are producing a storm of hormones which help you bond with a person mentally, as well as physically. When you orgasm while on the phone with them, it creates the same storm of hormones, bonding you to their voice — which coaxed that reaction from you in the first place. In this way, having phone sex can make your long distance connection more intimate.

This also helps your SO see you as an individual who has needs and feelings, and not just as a voice they are holding in their hand that they can summon at the press of a button. Phone sex can initiate other conversations about likes and dislikes, both in and out of bedroom, and it can help you to learn more about your partner without even making personal contact. In a way, those relaxed conversations after orgasm are what helped me to really get to know the real person behind the name. In some areas, I still haven’t had conversations with my own husband that those late night gasping for breath conversations ended up revealing. Some of those areas just never came up when we rolled over after climax and slept. Being on the phone requires that you are more verbal; you have to communicate to each other how you feel and why, rather than leaving it to the silences of real life sex.

How To Do It

When you first get the idea to help your SO reach the mountaintop without putting a finger on them, it sounds like a hard to accomplish challenge. It’s not nearly as hard as it seems, though. Firstly, you need to remember that you are going to be nervous when you first initiate such a thing. Roll with it. That nervousness does not go away until you have more experience, and how will you get that experience if you don’t suffer a few slips of the tongue here and there? Also, once you get into it enough, that awkwardness will melt away fast. Start your session off by sharing a fantasy that normally gets you off when you play alone — just make sure you replace “Ryan Gosling” or “Megan Fox” with your significant others name. This is you opening up to them, and it encourages them to make the leap with you.

Don’t be too shy to be kinky. Describe to your partner those things that you have never done but want to do. Tell them how you think it would feel to you, and why. Make sure you use your throat when you talk, but don’t whisper. If you whisper, your SO won’t be able to hear you. Also, and this is important, don’t hold back. You are on the edge and about to have a powerful “O,” but all your partner hears is silence. Silence isn’t sexy. Let it out a bit, moan for once! Moaning is sexy, and even if you just say a simple “oh yes” over and over again, it is sometimes all your other needs to reach their special moment, too. Tell your partner what you are doing to yourself; fill the silence with something sexy.

Don’t be afraid to set the mood wherever you are, if it helps you relax and focus on what is being said and felt. Play your favorite mood music softly in the background, light candles, wear lingerie, and go all out. Also, this is the digital age, snap a picture or two, because it does help!


Remember, phone sex is by no means necessary, but it adds a spice to your relationship when you just can’t see each other right now. It’s something new and exciting you can try while your SO is out of town, or if they live just so far away. It can promote feelings of bonding and intimacy while far away, and can spark conversations you might never have had otherwise. Try it sometime, and you might discover you really like it.

There are many of us who identify as queer, bisexual, pansexual, or other identities that are flexible in the sex and gender of our partners. This is often difficult to understand for people who are not flexible, whether they are gay or straight. This is a guide for monosexual (cliff notes version: someone who is either straight or gay) partners of sexually flexible people to be a better partner to those of us with these unique identities.

1. Control and be aware of your jealousy, even more so than in other relationships.

Many people have jealousy in their romantic pursuits, which is normal as long as it is controlled and does not affect the other person. However, people flexible in their sexual orientation and pursuits could be interested in anyone, and being suspicious of them when they hang out with anyone will severely impair their ability to have any friends. This is really important to remember and also balance with the next two points.

2. Remember that they are bisexual or flexible, and treat that sexual orientation just as seriously as you would treat a straight or gay orientation.

Many times I have had a partner who conveniently forgets that I am flexible and gets fiercely jealous of me being around people of only one particular sex or gender identity but treats the other(s) like normal friends. Okay, really? My current partner is great about my flexible sexual orientation and knows that women, and any other gender for that matter, can be just as much of a threat to our relationship as cismen like himself. However, I’ve also gone on dates with cismen who seem to think that bisexual women exist for their amusement. Others, of any gender, think I’m confused. Even if your partner is confused and is working out their orientation, it is up to them to decide how to identify. You have no authority to tell them what their orientation really is.

3. The dating pool for gay people is small, especially in some regions of the country and world. Don’t freak out if your partner frequently sees an ex or two unless they give you a reason to do so.

This is important for straight people who are dating flexible people. If there are 10 lesbians in your little town, your partner is bound to have dated one or several of them, and after breaking up, they will run into them or even be best friends with them. It’s okay. Think about your ex-partners—-would you really want to get back together with them? Most people would say no. There is a reason that your partner is dating you and no longer dating them. It’s important for us to know other bisexuals, or even strictly gay people, that can understand this essential part of our identities. Sometimes that means becoming friends with ex-partners in ways that straight people would not.

4. Avoid cliché questions because they’ve been asked over and over again, unless they open the conversation, and don’t assume that your partner fits the stereotypes.

“Who have you had more/better sex with?” “How many threesomes have you had?” and other common bisexual questions are not a great start to a relationship with a bisexual or otherwise flexible person. These are questions we’ve heard a lot. We don’t also want to hear them from our partners. In fact, my partner is the person to whom I complain about these questions and stereotypes. People flexible about the sex and gender of their partners are stereotyped as confused, promiscuous, cheaters, and many other things that are not any more true about us than the general population. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people who claim to be really progressive make comments like, “I hope my partner isn’t bisexual. I don’t want them to cheat on me with a ____.” These comments hurt flexible people and perpetuate negative stereotypes. Don’t assume your partner will cheat on you because they are flexible.

5. But do talk about it. Ask your partner how you can be supportive.

Your partner has a sexual orientation that is commonly misunderstood and is also largely invisible. When holding your hand, people assume that they are ____ sexuality when they are only seeing half of the picture. If you are a couple that appears heterosexual, your partner may love heterosexual romance films—but also might love homosexual ones. Be sure that you are asking your partner if there is more that you could do to be supportive of their sexual orientation. If you are in a homosexual relationship with a bisexual person, consider buying them heterosexual erotica. If you are in a heterosexual relationship, go to Pride with them, or encourage them to attend with their LGBTQ friends.

6. Don’t overwhelm them with unnecessary support they didn’t ask for or want.

It may seem like this guide is contradictory, but it is mostly about balance. It is important to support your partner’s identity, but it is not their only identity. Don’t treat it as any more important than other parts of them, especially if they don’t think it is that important. Some people, like myself, are very into our queer identity and talk about it a lot. However, my queer identity is just as important as my working-class, woman, and feminist ones, all of which I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about. Don’t focus solely on their flexible sexual orientation and not at all on other identities. If your partner says they don’t want to go to Pride or receive heterosexual erotica, don’t push it on them. You partner may not want or need any extra support from you, and that’s okay too.If there is something I’ve forgotten or that you want to add, please do so in the comments!

We all know how hard it is raising teens. This stage is where communication is so very difficult, yet so essential. Sex is certainly going to be a struggle during their teenage years, but this is the time when you are needed the most.

“Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.”

— Henry Louis Mencken

To Have Sex Or Not To Have Sex: That Is The Question!

Few parents want to face the idea that their teens are having sex — but research shows that many teens are sexually active by high school. We can all agree that sex is awesome, sex is incredible. It is something shared between two people and by golly, I am not opposed to getting down and dirty. What I am opposed to is unprotected and illegitimate sex (sex without meaning) in teens. Now, I’m not perfect. I’ve had illegitimate sex in my teen years, but because of the emotional consequences, I now know to try to go against the primitive desire to have sex without any sort of feeling, emotion, or commitment.So how can you talk to your child about sex?1. Promote Abstinence
Tell the child you’d prefer they wait until they are mentally capable to handle the ramifications of sex. Ask your teen to think about his or her own values and hopes for the future — and consider how sex might affect them.

2. Discuss Birth Control Options
Give your child options, just in case abstinence is not their course of action. Make sure to take them to a doctor to have everything checked out beforehand. And make sure that your child is getting tested for STDs regularly thereafter. Talk to them about male and female condoms, spermicide, prescription birth control, emergency birth control, and natural family planning. Don’t be afraid that talking to your child about contraception will encourage them to have sex. They’re thinking about it whether you bring it up or not.

3. Encouraging Responsible Behavior
Make sure your teen knows that alcohol and drugs will impair their judgement. Be sure to tell them about different birth control options and the frequency of the medications.

4. Let Your Young Woman Take Charge of Her Sexual Health
This is not the 60s anymore! Women are demanding their piece of the pie. Yes, women have needs and a couple of years ago, sexual satisfaction was not much of a priority in comparison to now. If you have a young woman who desires to take charge of her sexual pleasure, help her out. I remember when my mom purchased my first vibrator. It was awkward for me to talk to her about it, but I appreciate the fact that she did it on her own. Many teens simply see the television shows of women and men being engulfed by a passionate kiss only to find that the woman has her legs spread wide open, making all kinds of porn star noises.

By purchasing a love toy, your teen can experience an orgasm alone, which may make some females decide that they don’t have to have sex this early in life. I know some of my teen friends back in high school just wanted to know what an orgasm felt like. Had they known that sex wasn’t like it is portrayed in movies, they probably would have waited.

5. Let Your Teen Know That His/Her Desire To Have Sex Is Natural
Your teen should not be ashamed that he/she wishes to have sex. Yes, the topic may be difficult to bring up at the family table, but it is definitely a topic that all parents have to go through eventually. Assure your child that their natural instinct to engage in sex is a totally primitive catalyst agent to procreate. Try to make your teen aware that there are plenty of things about sex and your own body’s response to sex that you will have to learn along the way.

6. Communicate
The number one challenge of raising adolescents: the Superman complex! Psychology 101-they think they are invincible! No one can touch them. This is why many teens sext, drink, etc. They think that no one understands them, which makes them feel isolated, which in turn causes them to act out. Behavioral changes becomes prevalent as the adolescent is faced with pressures in school, realization of sexual identity, and the like.

To better manage these changes, talk with your child. Healthy communication is key here. There may be an underlying cause that clouds their judgment on things. Offer to just be there, even if they do not want to talk about a situation. Let’s be real, some things kids just do not want to share with their parents. I’m sure no teenage girl would like to come out to their parents and say, “My boyfriend tried to have sex with me, and I wanted to do it, but I was scared. What should I do, mom?” In reality, there are very few kids that will say such a thing to a parent. Instead, offer to be there to just hold them, even without saying a word. Support is crucial here. They will realize that they are not alone.

For the Parent: Coping

How can you cope with your teen having sex?I know it can be difficult to admit to yourself that your child is having sex. Admitting it is the biggest hurdle and everything after that seems to be a bit easier. Please understand that your child is not a child anymore. S/he is a young adult. A young adult with desires, primitive instincts, and the ability to make their own decisions. Just think of it this way- whatever advice they are not getting from you, they are getting from their friends, books, movies, the internet, and magazines. You cannot stop your child from experiencing the real world anymore. The real world doesn’t care about age appropriate exposure and the only way to stop your child from being miseducated is to educate them on the subject yourself. If you don’t know an answer to their question, find the answer- or better yet, find the answer together.My mom used to have an “office drop box.” That’s what she called it. If my sister or I had any questions that we were too afraid to ask her in person, we were to type up the question, print it out (for fear of her recognizing one of our handwriting), and drop it in her “drop box” that was a pretty pink cardboard box with a slit in it. The box stood on a stand right outside of her master bedroom. My mom would check the box every day and she would construct a reply. She would place the replies in another two boxes outside of the kids bathroom. Each reply had a date.

She constructed an excel worksheet that listed the date the question was received. My sister and I remember the date we sent our questions and looked on the excel chart that was overhead of the box. We got our replies back from whatever box coincided with our date so the other sibling wouldn’t have to know what we asked our mother. I think this was an excellent method because it kept us anonymous. And sometimes, the unbiased reply made my sister and I want to strike up a conversation with my mom about it. But sometimes, we did prefer to have our answers in the reply drop box.

Parents, please make an effort to be as unbiased and nonjudgmental as possible. This will help you cope with your child, but also make your child feel as if they can come to you with anything. Be sure to also tell your teen that if they can’t talk to you, although advised, they can speak with another adult that is experienced enough to answer their inquiries. There are plenty of resources out there for them. If your teen has a question about sex, STDs, abortion, etc, they can call Planned Parenthood at (800)-230-7526 or American Pregnancy Hotline at (866)-942-6466. If they feel as if there are some LGBTQIA related issues that need to be discussed, they can call the Trevor Project hotline at (866)-488-7386. The Trevor Project even has an online chat during certain times of the day. The opportunities for you and your child are endless. It is indeed a journey, but you have to start somewhere with your child, before your child starts the journey without you.

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

Running out of places to hide your toys? You children, roommate, or pet find them no matter where you put them? Don’t fret! Here is a list of possible places to hide your precious toys.

Even those without children understand the importance of a good hiding place for your toys. We have all heard, witnessed, or been involved in those uncomfortable stories of the family pet carrying a hot pink dildo through the living room on a major holiday get together, or the delighted child who found out his parents were “super heroes” with a collection complete with whips, cuffs, and other strange devices. This guide is designed to help you discover creative hiding places around your home, and hopefully inspire you to find some of your own.

While storing your toys in a box under the bed may work for some people, it may not work for all. I once had a visiting child bring his mother one of my husband’s masturbation sleeves. While the child had no idea what he had dug up, his mother and I did. Boy, was that embarrassing! So what alternative options are there for hiding your sexual treasures?

Some nifty boxes adorned with locks, but with my luck I would lose the key. If you are blessed with height you could store your collection in the top of your closet, but that is no help to us short folk. There is of course the option of using a hidey pillow or a teddy bear, but could you imagine your surprise if you ever forgot and your pillow begins violently vibrating in the middle of a peaceful nap?

I personally like to get creative with my hiding places. Even with limited space, multiple roommates, or nosy children there are tons of hiding options in any house; behind the TV or microwave, behind the books on your bookshelf, in an empty shampoo bottle under the sink, to name a few. Why limit your hiding places to just the bedroom when you may get a hankering for pleasure in any room of your house? You will need to use your imagination and hide a toy in every room for those adventurous urges.

Behind the TV is not the only option for your living room hiding place. You could easily stuff a pleasure device between the couch cushions, under the recliner, or in a potted plant! Of course this may just be begging your children to use your lime green ten incher as a sword for their next game of make believe. And do not be limited to behind the microwave for your kitchen, either. Hide one behind that frozen bag of peas you have had in your freezer for two years, or under the stove, just make sure that one is not “meltable.” While you are hiding your toys in the kitchen do not forget which cooking oil you use for lube and which one you actually use for cooking! Ideas for your bathroom might include behind the toilet, in a cardboard toilet paper roll, or under that towel no one ever uses. If you slip one in your tampon box be aware of the possibility of female visitors finding it. Since you are already in the bathroom do not forget to wash your toys before use, unless of course you enjoy the feeling of behind the potty grime in your lady bits.

If you are brave and truly adventurous you may be tempted to try the “hide it in plain sight” approach. You could use ben wa balls as center piece decorations, throw in some potpourri and no one would ever guess that your kegal balls were on your coffee table! Use butt plugs as faux candles, the more unique the design the more stylish family and friends will believe you are- just be sure no one attempts to light them. Dildos could be used as unique art pieces. Vibrators have the potential to be disguised as hand mixers or neck massagers. Get a little more creative with vibrators by taking the batteries out, flipping them upside down and using them to hold silk flowers- voila! a vase. Cock rings could be thrown in with tools and your friends would believe that they were merely washers or what not.

Remember, be creative, and do not limit yourself to just the bedroom! But of course hiding it in plain sight or even in a place that seems like a good hiding place outside of the privacy of your bedroom is just asking for trouble. All things considered, you may be better off just investing in a lock box. And for the sake of your toys, DO NOT LOSE THE KEY!